Women Sitting Alone at Bars Look Desperate (and other nonsense)

I post a lot about the joys of solo adventures.
And for the most part, women get it.

They comment that they love the idea.
That they want to try it.
That they feel a little nervous—but inspired.

All good. All expected.

But then came this comment:

“Women sitting alone at bars look desperate.”

And immediately, another woman responded with perfection:

“Desperate for what? A cocktail? An appetizer?”

BAM.

What Kind of Old-Fashioned Hogwash Is That?

Apparently, if there isn’t a man, a friend, or at least a visible reason for your presence, you’ve violated some unspoken social agreement.

Because heaven forbid a woman be somewhere simply because she wants to be there.

No agenda.
No explanation.
No chaperone.

Just a woman… existing.

Meanwhile…

Men sit alone at bars all the time.

With full rights and privileges.
Never questioned.
Never pitied.

As though they’ve been doing it for decades.

Which—spoiler alert—they have.

A man alone is “having a drink.”
A woman alone is suddenly a situation.

Same bar.
Same stool.
Wildly different judgment.

Let’s Translate the Myth

When people say, “She looks desperate,” what they really mean is:

• She’s not waiting to be chosen

• She’s not performing friendliness

• She’s not explaining herself

• She’s comfortable without backup

That’s not desperation.

That’s independence making people itchy.

Desperation vs. Choice (Know the Difference)

Desperation looks like:

• Staying where you don’t want to be

• Entertaining conversations you don’t enjoy

• Pretending you’re fine when you’re not

Choice looks like:

• Sitting alone because you want a drink

• Leaving whenever the mood shifts

• Enjoying yourself without narrating it

One is neediness.
The other is confidence.

The Shocking Truth

No one is watching you as closely as you think, or even at all.

One woman commented that she feared pity looks—imagining people thinking she was alone, friendless, and somehow pathetic.

Sweetheart, that’s a you problem. The only voice screaming “THIS IS WEIRD”
is the one you inherited and seem hell bent on holding on to!

The Real Threat

A woman alone at a bar isn’t asking for attention.

She’s signaling something far more unsettling: “I don’t need this moment to mean anything other than what I want it to be.”

A chance to reflect.
Enjoy a cocktail.
And if I’m in the mood—pleasant conversation.

And apparently, that still scares people.

The Fear of the Pick-Up

A few commenters shared another concern:
“I’m constantly approached by men and it makes me uncomfortable.”

Fair. But let’s separate things.

First—decide whether it’s actually a pick-up or simply another human who’s also out alone and open to conversation.
just because someone is male doesn’t automatically make them off-limits. I’ve met several of my male friends—emphasis on friends—during solo outings.

If it is a pick-up and you’re not interested?
Sit strong.
ay you’re enjoying your own company tonight.

That usually does it.

And if someone becomes invasive?
Move seats.
Signal the bartender.

In decent places, bartenders are quietly excellent allies.

You are not trapped.
You are not powerless.
You are not required to endure discomfort to prove confidence.

A Small Act of Rebellion

Sit at the bar.
Order what you want.
Put your phone down.
Take up space like you paid for it—because you did.

Stay long enough to feel the lie lose its grip.

Women sitting alone don’t look desperate.

They look like women who stopped waiting for permission.

Get my free guides specifically written for women going out solo!

The Confident Woman’s Guide to Going Out Alone After 50
8 Places Every Woman Should Go Solo Over 60